I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
