matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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