oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
