i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
