My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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