There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
