He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
