According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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