you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
