I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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