Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
