i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
