Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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