Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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