I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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