allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
