My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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