Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
