I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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