Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
