i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
