I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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