Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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