hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
