I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
