My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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