I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
