I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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