I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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