It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There r osticjed everywhere
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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