last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's never too late to be topless.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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