census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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