I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
