fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
operation harelip BJ is a go
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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