Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
