im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
