i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
