My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
