in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
