if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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