you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
