and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
