My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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