I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
