i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
