i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
