I accidentally burped into my bong.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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