i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
