i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
