I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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