I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
